24th week of acupuncture & herbs

I saw acupuncturist last saturday. Here are the herbs:

1. Chinese # 0503011-1.5-10
2. Chinese # 0510081-20051008-1-10
3. Chinese # 0510081-20051008-1-10
4. Chinese Thorowax Root (Radix Bupleuri--Chaihu)
5. Dodder Seed (Semen Cuscutae--Tusizi)
6. Himalayan Teasel Root (Radix Dipsaci--Xuduan)
7. Indian Bread (Poria--Fuling)
8. Red Peony Root (Radix Paeoniae Rubra--Chishao)
9. Safflower (Flos Carthami--Honghua)
10. Zi Shi Ying (Fluoritum (ore)

Today, I saw her again. As you can see, I've been seeing her for 24 weeks now...that means 6 months! Still nothing to show for it! I will begin with the herbs for this week:

1. Che Qian Zi (Plantago asiatica--seed)
2. Chinese # 0510081-20051008-1-10
3. Dodder Seed (Semen Cuscutae--Tusizi)
4. Green Tangerine Peel (Pericarpium Citri Reticulatae Viride--Qingpi)
5. Himalayan Teasel Root (Radix Dipsaci--Xuduan)
6. Indian Bread (Poria--Fuling)
7. Red Peony Root (Radix Paeoniae Rubra--Chishao)
8. White Peony Root (Radix Paeoniae Alba--Baishao)
9. For this herb there were 2 in one bag: (1) Wu Ling Zhi (Trogopterus Xanthipes--dejecta) and (2) Chinese # 0511011-20051101-2.5-10)
10. Zi Shi Ying (Fluoritum--ore)

My Fertility Monitor has run out of days since I have not ovulated. Today is CD 26 and still nothing. I have had about 3 episosed of EWCM, but then it goes right back to creamy. I have had only partial ferning on my Microscope and nothing more than 97.6 on my BBT graph.

I have to say that I have not been feeling myself. I have been sad, down, depressed, angry, emotional, jealous and many other things. I hate the fact that everyone else seems to have the facility of becoming pregnant and it's such a struggle for me. Baby showers are showering down on my life and I just don't know how to handle them. I find myself just avoiding them all together so that my heart doesn't have to go through such sadness and hurt! I find excuses that don't even make sense, but I use them anyway and I become distant from those that have kids because all they ever do is talk about them. I really hate myself for this and any other feelings taht I have had. I just don't know how to handle it anymore. I don't know how much more of this my heart can take or will be able to handle. I seem to break down a lot more now and I just can't seem to be able to control it. I feel as if no one cares. I feel as if DH doesn't care. He says nothing to me and that just makes me feel like he blocks me out and doesn't even listen to anything I say. I don't know if this is his way of dealing with it, or what? I have been so sad all this past week and I haven't even spoken much to DH. I just want to be alone and not bothered with.

Today, I talked to LAc about what is going on with me. I asked here if she has any other patients that have taken so long to conceive...her response: "I have one." That just made it worse for me. I asked her if there is anything else that I can do to improve my chances because I'm up to the point where I so desperately want a child that I am willing to give it up just for my sanity. She said we just have to get my body to ovulate and then I should have no trouble. Then I can even begin to consider IVF again, but until then, I shouldn't even waste my time. She also said that my PCOS is probably what is affecting this and that getting back on Metformin would probably help. I just hated it when I took it because it made me feel so awful. I don't want to be dependent on any drugs, but at the same time, I want to take it if it will help me become pregnant. She said again to continue avoiding all sweets, caffeine and basically complex carbohydrates. What the heck am I supposed to eat! I guess I should just try and survive on lettuce and spinach for the rest of my life.

I don't know what else to do. I so much hate my life right now. As soon as she walked out, the tears just rolled down the side of my face and I could do nothing to stop them. Why? Why? Why? I find myself asking this question so much and it is just so frustrating to not have an answer. What do I do? I wish I had the courage to just say I am going to stop and do it, but I feel so desperate that I can't find the strenght to do it. I try to show that I am happy on the outside but on the inside I am like a piece of meat, rotting, while the the raptors pick at it and the maggots eat the dead skin and bacteria!